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Remember to vote tomorrow, guys! Because you know what sorts of people don’t vote? Felons. And you don’t want to be a felon, now do you?

Yesterday I found out that saying “I’m required by law to tell you I moved into the neighborhood” is not a good cheap Halloween costume.

I found my friend’s cell phone randomly and I’m wondering what the right thing to do is. I mean, I know it, I’m not stupid: but WHICH prank?

I bet Whatchamacallits never became popular because nobody knew how to order them.

I’m wearing my work uniform to Halloween parties today. When people ask me what I’m dressed as, I say “serial killer” and stare at them for a while.

When I lived up north, people wore the equivalent of a polar bear to stay warm. The slutty girls only wore a penguin. It was sexy.

Guys care about women’s bodies. Women care about clothes. Clothes are go above the skin. Doesn’t this make women more superficial than men?

I’m looking for Halloween costumes. They’re out of slutty nurses, so I think I’m just going to go as a slutty prostitute.

She set us up with her twin friends. We didn’t know who was who so it wouldn’t bias the date. It’s standard protocol for double-blind dates.