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He orders his coffee medium roast, with half-n-half, and a medium amount of sugar. He’s the Least Interesting Man in the World.

Fun fact: The lack of Latino writers in Hollywood robbed us of a sixth season of the Wire. Think about it.

Life lesson: When a friend announces she is pregnant, the proper response is not to treat them to celebratory cocktails. #themoreyouknow

“Life is a tragedy to those who feel, a comedy to those who think” “Comedy is tragedy+time” Thus, Life is a tragedy+time to those who think.

1: When was the last time you were happy? 2: Well, I just made myself laugh a few minutes ago, so then. But before then? Maybe 2003.

I’d get the vaccine against autism, but I’m afraid it will give me measles, mumps, and rubella instead.

I’m looking for a person to not only teach me how to sing, but also, to teach me how to dougie.

Dissertations are the least inviting format of all writing. That’s why suicide notes aren’t written in dissertations, except metaphorically.

My optometrist told me to keep an eye on my eyes. I think I need a new optometrist.

You couldn’t make the Matrix anymore. All the good usernames are taken. I couldn’t take Keanu seriously: “My name… is ScarlettJohansson116!”