Pixel

The best place to get work done is waiting for service without an appointment at the Apple Genius Bar. Nobody _ever_ bothers you.

Sometimes I like getting SPAM from former friends because it means that they haven’t deleted me from their address book.

I got a couple of hundred $’s of veggies and booze, but I lost a best friend…It’s not a very good deal. I don’t recommend you take it. :'(

Cashier probably thinks that I’m only buying toilet paper because I ran out at an unfortunate time. She’s wrong- I meant to buy it earlier.

What is a high school sweetheart? Does anyone you dated in high school count? Like can you be high school sweethearts with the principal?

Dear Middle School girls- the comeback to any sort of insult is “are you okay? You look bloaty.”

Reverse Irish Carbomb: a shot of Guinness poured into a half-pint of Bailey’s. If you think that’s bad, try a reverse jaegerbomb.

I just got called out to a bar by a strange text message. I came out because it was so demanding. I hope it’s not a wrong number.

Just once I want to see LOL on a tombstone.

Pro Tip: never try to organize all of your friends for anything.