The best dissertation defense is a good dissertation offense.

Price, Price! … Wait, is it cool if I call you Price? Are we on a last name basis yet?

Things that don’t bother me about beer: bad for liver, empty calories, affects sleep quality, dehydrates. Things that do: contains estrogen

Having a good memory has brought me nothing but profit and pain.

Let’s just say I wouldn’t choose her as a target if I were a thief, rapist, or killer… Definitely not if I were a rapist.

I should stop taking out my sword to answer the door, but how else should I deal with the FedEx guy or Jehovah’s Witnesses?

It’s my brother’s birthday today. I’m going to spend the day trying to come up with an excuse for why I didn’t call him.

I love coming to a place where everybody knows your face.

“How’ve you been?” she asked. “Surviving,” he lied.

Note to self: next St. Paddy’s day, bring food coloring.

Sorry, we don’t have Miller Lite, but we can pee into a cup for you, if you like.

If I were a lawyer who just made partner, I’d yell “Giddyup!”

2(Wrongs) ? Right . Good to know. They also don’t equal “fish.” What I wanna know is what Does equal Right.

I used to be glad I made all my worst mistakes with people I never really saw again. Now I wonder if that means something…

What are white hairs doing on my scalp?? I thought my epidermal apartheid policy was fairly clear, follicles!

I think it’d be more impressive if Superman could leap tall buildings in multiple bounds. Leaping isn’t cumulative!

I wish citation numbers were corrected for relevant fraction of paper cited.

“Are you guys dating now?” “No, we’re holding hands now. We date in the evenings.”