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I always confuse the words ‘hubris’ and ‘hummus’ because hummus thinks it’s all that and a bag of chips.

It’s a two-party country. If you keep voting on a single issue, your party will slow-roll that issue and ignore you on everything else.

A compromise: Millennials agree to use fabric softener, go to Applebee’s, and stop eating avocado toast. And Boomers stop ruining the world.

Oh, no. I’ve missed my word targets every day this month. I better get going on #NaNoWriMo. Is Starbucks still open?

Louisiana wants to tax tuition waivers as taxable income. That’s the same reasoning as: “It’s okay to eliminate all coal jobs because more tech jobs will be made for other people in your state. We didn’t intend to end your…

Progressive group Not One Penny will be airing a TV ad that hits the GOP tax plans mostly on Fox News, hoping to catch Trump’s attention. Fox News: where all the news is in the ads

Internet Hippo’s tax plan: “My tax plan is, if you have over a billion dollars we’ll tax you until you don’t.” $1.9 Trillion dollar revenue increase there. I endorse Hippeconomics.

Now type “I died” and let your Predictive Keyboard write your epitaph. I died in the past and it was so hard to find out what I had to worry about when it happened.

Dudes in their 20s talking about how much they drink or lift become men in their 70s talking about their bowel movements. Don’t @ me dudes.

Two dozen octopuses crawled to shore en masse and no one knows why. 24 is divisible by 8, so this checks out.