Author: Gabe the Beaver

Dear Editor-lady, Gabe the Deontological Beaver here with my jam-packed submission for your peanut butter-packed newspaper. Do with it what you will, though hopefully you will print it. Also, I assume you shall contact me if I do end up ‘winning’ this mysterious and death-defying contest. In any case, there’s a slight problem with the…

To Whom it May Concern, I received my Ph.D. in Phrenological Psychology from Amsterdam University in 1993. After that, I opened an independent practice where I promptly drew criticisms for my support of eugenics in primates (Eugenic Nullification, I called it). When my practice failed, I took up a job in the circus. That’s right:…

Dear Editor,As a reclusive beaver with an only marginal grasp on reality and and even more marginal grasp on the concept of humans, I’ve realized that I’m the perfect person to give advice to the growing New Mexico State University population. That’s right, I caught sight of “In the Sack with Sak” last semester and…

Dear Readers, I just finished the Wikipedia Americana. Yes, I know I started off reading the Encyclopædia Canadia, but that’s just one of my quirks. I always finish things I didn’t even start. It’s the reason my divorce was so complicated— I never married that bitch! I married that beaver! ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Dear Gabe, You never…

  Dear Readers, I’m still reading the encyclopedia and for the first time in a long time, I feel like an educated beaver. I was always in the bottom third of my graduating class. In fact, PhD’s from my graduation year are only worth a certificate of completion from any other junior high school in…

Dear Readers, Boy is life ever difficult for your learned best beaver friend Gabie. I’ve been reading the encyclopedia for about a month now and boy, are humans ever dull! Nothing but sex, violence, and immorality. I feel like I’m staring at cement, or worse yet, like the first third of Survivor: Pearl Islands. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————…