“I’m growing Mutton chops.” “… well, that’s a… decision.” “Well… that’s a… comment.”

I’m growing mutton chops. Why? Because I like looking in the mirror and getting a cheap laugh.

If I ever had to smuggle drugs in my butt, I think I’d use a “Ribbed For Her Pleasure” condom.

“We’ll need a lot of things for our Eurotrip. 1: a German/English Dictionary. 2: an Italian/German Dictionary. 3: a duffle bag of condoms.”

Next tweet is courtesy of my friend Daniel.

Even my best friends think I’m a stranger. Of course, some of them think I’m the strangEST.

It is a good idea to ask what children want to be when– but not if– they grow up.

Someone should make a list of products Randy “Macho Man” Savage should not advertise. E.G. Baby powder, tampons, Count Chocula…

I don’t have anything to do today except “Be Awesome” and I already did that.

I didn’t say she had game. I just said she played you.

I give the best bad advice any friend can give. Hey – if you’re going to do it anyway, you might as well do it right.

I’m giving @Jeromio bad advice because that’s what friends are for.

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.”

The worst part about having a broken finger is that fist bumps are– for the first time ever– painful now.

The joke in the last tweet is that I hate high fives. You probably didn’t get that. But if you did, we should totally fist bump.

The worst part about having a broken finger is that high fives are slightly more painful now.

Is it impolite to crash a honeymoon?

“Act as if long enough and eventually you become.” – Fran Fuller, my 9th grade drama teacher. Just heard it again in my Plato class.

NO FINAL PAPER FOR MY INDEPENDENT STUDY!! HUZZAH!! HUZZAH!! Take THAT people that do work for your classes!

There was a time when I could have claimed to have read every work in turtle evolution. But then again, I used to be a pathological liar.

Looking forward to doing some classical jazz for karaoke this week.

It reads like a book you just can’t (wait to) put down.

Just saw Boondock Saints II. I should have just rewatched the first one so that I could have gotten something new out of it

I’m also just about the only guy I know who’d be willing to date a girl taller than himself. Of course that’s basically just WNBA players.

She’s got more red flags than the Spanish Armada.

Day 3: finger still purple and fat, but I can bend it 60 degrees now without passing out. So I’d say it’s a lot better now.

Sometimes I hate being alone with myself. I get in my own head & fill it with lies. I want to get away, but can’t: He knows where I live.

Turns out if someone with a blocked profile @’s you, you’ll never hear about it. This… This makes me so happy.

If you tweet in a secret twitter account with protected tweets and no followers, does it make a sound? No. Of course not.

She’s the kind of person you go home with, not the kind of person you go home to.

She’s the kind of person you take home, not the kind of person you bring home.

Nobody else here would date a girl older than them. But I’d totally date a girl 20-30 years older. I love expiration dating

I threw out my finger because I was flipping people off wrong.” “That’s your ring finger.” “OK, so I was flipping people off REALLY wrong.”

This song reminds me of bad times. Specifically, times in which I had to listen to this song.

I figured out why I’m gaining weight: I’ve been eating meal replacement bars AND the meal they’re replacing.

I gained seven pounds in the last four weeks. That’s it! No more protein!

If I could only ever have one type of food, burritos would be it. If I could have two, they’d both still be burritos.

I never keep my daily To Do list. So what? I mostly keep my yearly To Do list and I make sure I live up to my To Be list.

I just took a drink of a glass of water coated in pollen because I left out overnight. Yeah, I swallowed.

Kosher Lobster: they never fed on the bottom!!

I never end my sentences with prepositions. Usually I just end them with periods.

It’s hard to share woes with friends whose woes are lesser than yours. But it’s harder to be friends with those whose woes are greater.

Reserve your RSVP if you please.

Would that it were possible to say what you mean and mean what you say without it being in a mean way.