In hospital. Nephew sick. Sister-in-law worried It’s the consumption.

How do you tell someone that they’re a bad father, an awful husband, a terrible person, stupid, AND going bald? Does Hallmark have a card?

There is a 1:1 Ratio between desire to go out in the cold for fresh air and desire for a cigarette.

Happy Tofurkey Day Tofeveryone!

“We’ve tried a president with your IQ, now let’s try one with mine.”

My brother says he voted for McCain because he thought Obama was too much like Bush. Wow. Just wow.

Hey, i’m away from my home, let me know if I get burgled, yeah?

With mom. Wow i missed having these three conversations on repeat.

I’d better tuck in my shirt and comb my hair, cuz I’mna go pick up my mommy at the airport.

If I skip ahead, will I find out that the last line says ‘gotcha!’?

Is the term “Copernican Revolution” just a pun on the fact that the Earth revolves around the sun?

Okay, logging out now. Good luck with work or, failing that, life.

Just once I want to make a life or death decision where it’s an inclusive OR.

We figured you’d say that, so we prepared a response ahead of time. *ahem* … “Shut Up.”

Oh noes! I’ve drank too much alcohol! I know– I’ll DRIVE it off!

Went crazy on my keyboard angry that my word count was so low only to realize that “asdfasdf…” with no spaces counts as just one word.

ZOMFG!! Free DR. PEPPER DAY!!! (ref: drpepper.com)

When they say a picture is worth a thousand words… are they talking about file size?