I hang around coffee shops so much I may as well start a screenplay.

Creationists think Adam was the first person. But he couldn’t have been. _I_ am in the first person. Adam is third.

What is a good song that uses words like ‘everything,’ ‘someone,’ ‘no one,’ etc.? I’m making a logic test and don’t want to use LMFAO again.

SafeTub is a walk-in tub marketed to elderly people. It offers a lifetime warranty, but it only lasts about six years.

The secret to success is to be happy with less. #rhymingaphorisms #scaryfortunecookie

I think of her like a sister. But not a bad sister like Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act.

I like girls who are questioning, not ones that found an answer.

@meznor – aww, hearts. You are my first and oldest freader. Xoxo

I have the bladder control of a Norwegian.

Blue Laffy Taffy? It’s like you’re not even TRYING to survive the night!

The longer you hold a torch for someone, the more likely you are to get burned.

Well, it’s an interesting article, at least. I mean, it raises an interesting pseudoquestion.

Today, I feel like I’m climbing stairs the wrong way in an M.C. Escher drawing.

“The test was originally going to be seven pages, but I played with the margins and font until I got it down to five.” —Me to my class today

Warning: Keep this bag away from children. This bag is not a toy… At least not a very good one.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “Man, I can’t believe you were there! We would have met before we actually met.” *head asplode!*

Things I now know how to tie: shoelaces, a tie, a bow tie, and a noose. To celebrate, tomorrow after tae bo I’m going to eat Thai food.

I just saw Shaggy. Oh, wait. It wasn’t him.