I’m the kind of guy that brings a pillow to a knife fight.

The democrats have become more like the republicans. The republicans have become more like a caricature of themselves.

I don’t know what I want my last words to be, but I want my last punctuation to be an interrobang… which kinda limits my options.

When foreign leaders get sick, they come to America for treatment. Because-you know- they can afford it.

“That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.” -A. Whitney Brown

I know I SHOULDN’T derive an ought from an is, but I still do.

I think I want to Kickstart a Ponzi scheme.

They call these black plums, but they aren’t quite black. They’re not quite purple, either. They’re more plum colored than anything.

Cashier: “Can I get a name for your order?” Me: “Sure. Let’s call it Jimmy the Order.”

The Dream theory doesn’t fully explain Mulholland Drive. The Bad Movie theory, however, does.

Oh, you meant “ha ha” funny, not “Gah Blah” funny.

I liked water polo before the Olympics made it all commercial.

I hate running into people I’m on good terms with.

Starting a business isn’t risky — it’s betting on yourself. So… it’s pretty risky.

I am not a good sports fan. So I don’t even try: “Who do you think would win in a fight? Anderson Silva or a chainsaw?”

He thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips, but he’s just the bag of chips.

Ghosts are the only supernatural beings you can ask people about with a straight face. Nobody ever says, “do you believe in gnomes?”

The pilot is a woman. I know that shouldn’t be surprising, but it is. #discoveredsexism