Whoo!! No pope! Last one to pillage and plunder is a rotten egg!

They say write what you know… which is why I never include any details about what my female characters are thinking.

Die Hard is about how hard it is for terrorists to kill Bruce Willis. Die Hard 5 is about how hard it is for Bruce Willis to kill the series

Curious George killed the cat.

I’m a philosopher: I bite bullets for breakfast.

At midnight, we’re all drinking grape Flavor Aid laced with a SECRET ingredient. Don’t worry about driving home, you won’t even need to. ;D

I know it’s not the end of the world, but it is the mother of all Mayan New Year’s Eve parties. So I’m still getting my drink on.

There are so many tumbleweeds here, I feel like I hit the snooze button on my appointment at high noon.

If I started my own fellowship, I’d call it the Jolly Good Fellowship. So that people would be able to say they were “Jolly Good Fellows.”

Now every state but Vermont, Washington, and Maine has petitions for secession. Can I counter-petition to just kick out THOSE states?

An online test says I might have narcissistic personality disorder. Which makes sense, because that’s the best possible disorder.

I’m not good at has#tags.

I’m going to commission a painting of myself standing next to a melted pack animal so I can have a painting of myself with the Dali Llama.

I think I spent more time grading their essays than some of these kids spend writing them.

I want to watch Statler and Waldorf watch the presidential debates.

If wrestling is fake, then WWE is basically just a soap opera… a slightly more homoerotic soap opera.

It’s parents day and the Parents’ seminar is being held in the LGBT center. The signs all say: “Parents’ Orientation- LGBT.” #foundhumor

When a nuclear family decays, the fallout can be pretty radioactive.