You know what they say: if life gives you Lyme disease, make Lyminade.

I called the front desk to ask for a wake up call today: “Wake me up at 3 p.m.”

I don’t watch TV, but I do watch HBO.

I think I have mono, which seems like it might be ripe for jokes, but my brain is too single-tracked right now to come up with any.

Do you know the difference between a distinction and a distinction with a difference?

Get cheap beer, but not so cheap a hipster wouldn’t drink it.

Quote of the day: “my wank bank is too big to fail.”

You need to be with someone that makes you happy day-to-day, but also night-to-night.

Nice guys finish last. Overly nice guys finish alone.

What’s Super Moon’s kryptonite? I bet it’s still kryptonite.

Faster than a bullet in orbit, can continuously leap over all the tall buildings, it’s a star, it’s a planet, it’s… Super Moon!

Prelim defense in 11 hours. No pressure… Passed!

I may not have a face that looks good with sideburns. But that’s okay, because chicks don’t dig sideburns. They dig… um, maybe radishes?

I have two rules for my roommates: 1) always buy two-ply toilet paper or higher and 2) Never bring home insufficient Mexican food.

I wear a leather jacket when it’s hot out because it makes me cool.

This band sounds like early TATU. Like track one or two.

Drunk people are so angry when you cut them off, but then- in the morning- they forget they were ever there. It’s a great business strategy.

I have a date tonight, so you shouldn’t be home when I get back… I’m probably going to be binge eating ice cream and weeping gently.