“She looks terrible in that picture.” “You obviously don’t watch America’s Next Top Model.” “Why? Because I’m straight?”

It’s not gossip, it’s research. I’m researching for my new, local gossip mag.

If Wilbur is going to fly first, then I don’t want to be Wright. (props to @Ch8rming)

The guy behind me is threatening to use greyhound from now on. #Amtrak #overheard #emptiestthreatever #transportationblowsjustdealwithit

In Florida. Boy am I ever glad to be at the Everglades… No. No I am not.

“Conductor said I should arrive there at 2 o’clock and I said, ‘oh, lord, I don’t think so.’” then… Did nothing. #Amtrak #overheard

“Now don’t get me wrong, I hate my ex-wife. Hate her. But I love my husband-in-law. He’s a straight-up guy. Straight-up.” #amtrak #overheard

I thought these things were supposed to be on time! Stupid nom-German engineers.. *ahem* I meant non-German, not nom-German. The latter just makes me sound like a cannibal.

Hey, Rose from the movie Titanic, whatever happened to Jack? Did you guys just lose touch?

How can a place be so humid that I’m drier when it rains than when it doesn’t??

The homeless here have made me so jaded, that I don’t even tip bartenders anymore. They’re just going to spend it on booze.

My friend invented the Hagop Number, which is the ratio of calories to alcohol in beers. I have just invented a similar metric: the ratio of calories to protein in local veggie food… For all the bodybuilder vegetarians, I guess

My #worldcup bracket is all 1-1 ties with a one point margin of error. I will NEVER LOSE!!

It’s so hot, I want to jump in a pool. But it’s so humid, that’d just be redundant.

I have a Botl brand water bottle. I named it Waltr. Waltr Botl.

Let’s play Russian Roulette, best of seven!

I asked myself: “do you want to wake up now?” I answered, “I don’t know, let me sleep on it.”

This morning I was so tired, if I’d had to choose between waking up and a revolver, I’m not sure what I’d’ve chosen.