He’s so fat, they kicked him out of Sumo Wrestling for eating his opponent.

Doing lunges is such a pain in the butt.

Guy rule: no smiling in bathrooms, locker rooms, or showers. Especially if nudity is involved.

*ahem* I just searched ‘Switzerland’ and ‘neutral’ and now I feel very unoriginal. Did you know there’s a geopolitical joke in there?

Switzerland is winning. Man, I thought for sure the score would be neutral.

Crazy man, oil man, religious woman, homeless woman. You are the people of Amtrak. I’ll miss you. Let’s go to Maine next!

There’s no Mile High Club for trains. Possibly because Mile An Hour Club doesn’t sound so appealing.

Who knew it’d be so hard to make some of my close friends likeable as characters?

When being held as a hostage at gunpoint it is a much better idea to FAINT than it is to FEINT.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re riding the train and your window is facing the wrong side of the tracks?

I requested to follow @badresolution because I think he and I have a lot in common. Namely — photographers hate us.

He’s rough around the edges because he feels empty inside. He’s like a jagged donut.

#Mydickissobig, Hula hooping gives me whiplash.

#Mydickissobig, I would pole vault but I want to eventually land.

Now, now: there’s no sense calling him names. His own name is stupid enough.

Vuvuzela? I hardly know her! (ha ha ha ha ha)

Okay, no more spending until Europe. That’s okay– @pippki’s got my back.

I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. They sound very similar, though.