I’m pretty sure this Halloween I’m going to dress up as a straw man. Now I just need to figure out how to execute this appropriately.

Recently I got really into the soft drink Tab. I just keep ordering refills of it at the local bar. But I pay upfront because I hate puns.

@meznor – You got my Canada socks!!! Yey! I was in such a rush and I almost couldn’t do it, too!

When you make an obvious typo on an otherwise spot-on tweet, do you delete it and retweet it? I always fo.

Tweet and RT were on a boat. Tweet fell out. Who was left? RT.

Hey, I found my high school diploma! Just in time, too: I was out of toilet paper.

I know I said I knew every song by Cake, but that was a lie.

Silk carton says: “Nobody makes soy milk like we do.” Yes… that concerns me too.

Most of my best friends live in Australia. In fact, I could call Anson up Right Now… and wake him up.

Counting time, Toy Story was already 3D. Only still images are 2D.

The future is epilogue.

I was prejudiced against him before I met him. Now I’m postjudiced against him.

Gosh darn it, I like myself. Which sucks, because I thought I was a better judge of character than that.

My mother would always go to MADD meetings drunk.

If I’d have known today was going to be such a shit fest, I would not have worn white pants.

If you can’t beat ’em, BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!

Just being hungover outside the church and hearing the bells is torture. I wonder how the priest does it.

“I miss the movie Armageddon, because that was back when oil workers were doing something right!”