I just came up with a brilliant prank. I just need to buy a bag of cement mix and use your toilet for a bit… Oh. And nobody is coming to my house during the entire month of April.

Guys. Help me with this list. The title is “Movies that would have ended sooner with a smartphone.”

Yesterday was the end of Year Two. That could have… gone a lot better. Let’s hope we get things are better in Year Three.

Is there a memorial on the spot where the Donner Party was trapped? Would it be in poor taste to open an all-you-can-eat buffet next to it? … heh heh. Poor taste.

I’m so glad Burrito Boycott 2010 is over. That was harder than Lent and Ramadan combined!

I like playing famous chess games by grandmasters so that I can squander their very advantageous positions.

I don’t agree with your right to say it, but I’ll defend to the death what you actually said!

In whole, my over-alls are altogether good.

I was fired from my job as a waiter when I forgot to seat the Donner party.

I started P90x today and boy am I tired! Those instructions were looong!

I was literally being figurative.

I’m going to embroider my name on the back of your favorite shirt. I guess I’m just feeling crafty.

My neighbor just got burgled! And I think I heard it when it happened.. I feel useless.

“I don’t think you’re gullible.” “You DON’T?? … Oh.”

I just signed up for an etiquette class. Boo ya, motha fuckas!!

Skaters aren’t sexy! They skate for fun! Even I could skate for fun! … except it wouldn’t be that fun for me.

I look better in these glasses: it’s a stronger prescription.

Are you crazy like a fox? Or crazy like a… platypus?