What’s more likely: a religious apocalypse, the zombie apocalypse, or some sort of full-scale alien invasion? Answers are due in 53 minutes.

Who would win in a fight between UFC Heavyweight Champion Cain Velasquez and… say… Scorpion from Mortal Kombat?

I don’t need a sports cup, I need a goblet!

According to this genetic study, I’m 15% less likely than the average European to develop Type 2 Diabetes. Halloween will now be awesome. Addendum: I am not of European ancestry. This study is useless.

Grateful Dead Poets Society #BandFilms CRASH Test Dummies #BandFilms Does Charlie Daniels Band of Brothers count? #BandFilms Bloodhound Gangs of New York #BandFilms Men in Black Eyed Peas #BandFilms The Arcade Fire in the Sky #BandFilms

Amazon Prime is ridiculous. I just ordered a lightbulb with two-day shipping. I… fail at environmentalism today.

Dear Durham, Stop knocking at my door at creepy hours. If it’s past midnight and you’re not actively being murdered, I’m not interested.

Damn. Only 36 hours left to get my BFF’s birthday present ready. Why do I always do half the work two months early and half the day before?

In retrospect, it may not have been such a good idea to call ‘shotgun!’ for the squad car.

I have a new favorite pen. Life makes sense again.

Pro Tip: No matter what gender child your friend has, it is inappropriate to say “tough break” when they tell you.

It’s 10:00 on 10/10/10 people. … I give this day a 6.5

Today I tried to do a back handspring and landed on my head. I tried again and landed on all fours. #whyimabadass #truestory #noseriously Also #itturnsoutimnottoogoodatgymnastics

The software at the ethics center is too old. I should pirate a newer version.

Today I start a job at the center for ethics. Today I also start stealing office supplies.

I use erasable pens because I’m a terrible grader and I don’t want to write “-10? No, wait, +10. You were right, I was wrong. My bad.”

So two people had sex outside my friends’ tent last Saturday. “Look on the bright side,” I said. “At least it wasn’t just ONE person”

Studying biology has convinced me of the impracticality of eugenics. Also: terraforming. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore!