Gym buddy: I’m doing chest and back today, what are you doing? Me: I’m working out all the muscles that begin with a vowel.

Good advice: Assume the author you’re reading is wrong about everything. Bad advice: Assume the author you’re reading slept with your wife.

That’s it! From now on I’m applying the half-your-age-plus-seven rule to who I allow to be my friend on Facebook.

I’m 25 and have never been to a wedding. Luckily, I just got asked to be the best man at my friend’s divorce.

Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator #sequelideas #whyimnotastudioexec

My knee is good enough to walk normally now. I shouldn’t be dependent on my crutch anymore, but I am for some weird reason.

So… the ER visit will cost me $150 and the MRI if my leg still hurts will be another $435. Healthcare in this country still blows.

I don’t want to think that I have a bad knee now. So instead, I’m going to call it my Good Knee and call the other one my Kick-Ass Knee.

This cabin says that the kitchen has a really nice view. That’s great, but beside the point… unless the porch has a great microwave.

Things I wish I’d’ve known in first grade: being on crutches for a week makes you AWESOME at hopscotch.

What would you do if you snuck into a friend’s house and the only objects in the kitchen were a chair, a table, whiskey, and a revolver?

Just because I wear glasses doesn’t mean I can’t kill your collective asses.

How I injured my knee: I accidentally knelt down on a thimble.

Yes, I blew out my knee in a fight, but you should see the other guy! He’s wracked with guilt.

People on diets are such pessimists. They don’t look at the bowl as half-full, they look at it as half-empty.

I offered two options: Soup and Diet Soup. The diet soup was just a half-full bowl.

I’m not pulling my weight this camping trip. I offered to cook dinner, but I guess SOME people are too good for soup.

I will not mess with my database, I will not mess with my root domain. I will not mess with my database, I will not mess with my root domain