Guy: “I spray dishwashing fluid on my food to stop myself from eating it.” Me: “I usually stop myself by just finishing the food.”

Pro tip: Not just any pants will do. The hammer dance requires hammer pants. Also inappropriate: dancing in the nude.

I don’t get angry at people making fun of my height. That seems so small to get mad about.

ACTUAL SIGN: “There are no refunds for bad weather, only rain checks will be issued”

Not only do I want what’s best for you, I want what’s worst for everybody else.

I’m going to name my son after my brother. I’m going to give him my last name.

Pro Tip: Triathlete means you swim, cycle, and run in triathlons, but biathlete means something very, very different..

I’m changing the “Irish Priest.” It used to be Irish whiskey, a drop of holy water, and a cherry. Now I’m replacing holy water with tears.

My map’s right, it’s the real world that’s wrong.

I know I claimed I could dance salsa, but I really meant crump.

It turns out “avada kedavra” is not a good way to test wands.

I just photobombed an ultrasound.

My mom is a trip. She wants to sell pirated PlayStation 1 games to Goodwill.

ACTUAL CONVERSATION: Me: “Today is the shortest day of the year.” Friend: “Then why does it seem so long??” Me: “Because you work nights!”

Guy with jumper cables outside a restaurant: “hey, can you help me out, man?” Me: “I’ll catch you on the way out.”

I lost the beanie my BFF gave me for X-Mas.. And she gave it to me Yesterday! ),:

It’s good that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is over, but it’s a travesty that they still let left-handed people in the military. #lefthandedracism

Registered carloscraziness.com. If any Carloses out there want to have a March Madness-style tournament of your friends, you’re out of luck!