My brother did a tour of Afghanistan in 2002… It was a TERRIBLE choice for a vacation.

If the crime is plagiarism, then yes: I fight crime for a living.

You said his name was Pavlov? Hm. No, I don’t think I know him. It doesn’t ring a bell.

Anyone who has ever been my roommate knows I only have one rule: buy 2-ply or higher.

Well, we weren’t going to get those prospectives anyway. Might as well have made a drinking game out of them.

I’m as bad at similes as I am at… Other things sometimes.

If I die tonight, tell your mother I loved her.

Nick’s not so bad. He serves as an excellent warning for why pregnant women shouldn’t drink heavily of bleach.

Local pie shop is offering a half a pie for $3.14 for some reason. That just seems irrational!

Enjoying some pie alone in a pie shop on Pi day.

I bet Angela’s Ashes is a totally different story for people who are prejudiced against gingers.

It must be terrible to be religious during end times- all repenting, no pillaging and plundering.

I’ve yet to fly in a major airline that respects the rules of shotgun.

This is my 2500th tweet. It’s is a novel’s worth. But a stupid novel with a schizophrenic, conceited protagonist. Thanks for following!

The thing I most hate about myself is that I hate things about myself.

With his powers of special composition, the Metaphysician has the power to bring objects into being by mere contact! #philosophysuperheroes

I’m not in deep thought, I’m just deep into shallow thoughts.

I think Harry Potter peaked too early. He’s going to spend the rest of his life bragging: “You guys remember when I defeated Voldemort?”