“Jan: You think that’s bad, I played rapeball in prison. Losing at that was worse than death.. Mieke: In home country, consent is bad omen.”

Ain’t no party like a post-defense party cuz a post-defense party don’t stop.

My BreFF just passed her dissertation defense! Congratulations, Dr. Bre!!!

@gabethebeaver – If I disapprove of a business’ practices, is it okay to kidnap a random employee and hunt him or her for sport?

I want to get married on #aprilfools day. That way you’d be covered for anything, ever: “Wait, you didn’t think this was serious, did you?”

My team was eliminated in March Madness which means that it’s now time for April Apathy.

Here are six adjectives and nouns- feel free to mix and match for humor: efficient, tolerable, boner-killing; Love, pregnancy, molten lava.

I play scrabble like I drive: I get massive points early then just coast for a while. Wait, did I say ‘drive?’ I meant ‘make love.’

I started calling my friends Charlie, Mike, and Oscar by the NATO phonetic alphabet version of their first initial. They have yet to notice.

A bird in the hand is worth two dollars in the flea market. #Firstdraftquotes #firstdraftaphorisms or #firstdraftcliches

I’m giving up on researching esoteric bands to build my Indy cred. I’m just going to start making them up.

Someone help me put up these 10,000 Earth Day posters.

It is inappropriate to talk to someone that is entering a restroom. Even if it’s your long-lost twin who is about to be shot: it can wait!

If you had the last newspaper that will ever be published by humanity, would you read it cover-to-cover or just do the crossword?

Just wrote in my class notes: “Do time travel, if time allows.”

Quantum Man has the powers of Super Position: He’s everywhere until someone somewhere happens to look at something.

I always go the extra mile. That’s why I’m a terrible navigator.

I would jump in front of a bus to save a future version of myself.