Can you add on to another person’s note to self? “Note to self: don’t mention hipsters to Jeremy.” “…and come out of the closet… Soon.”

Me: you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to offend me. When did you wake up? Him: I woke up at 5:30. Me: that’s offensive!

Quitting: NSFW

I don’t let undergrads into my #philosophy lab because they either aren’t interested or they contaminate my thought experiments.

Money can’t buy you love, but it’ll get you a great deal on lust.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Plagiarism is the laziest form of imitation.

Wanna know why it’s 2011 and there are still no flying cars? Imagine a generation of teenagers texting while flying.

I left the orgy when I realized I had the wrong address and the owners showed up. I just wish I hadn’t already started.

It is okay to be nude in the men’s locker room, but not the bathroom. #rulesforguys #oops

Pro tip: it is bad tact to show up fashionably late to a surprise party.

Realization: it is hard to draw a burrito weight lifting. #hourlycomicday

Shrinking block: present and future are real. Moving absence: past and future are real, present is not. #stupidphilosophicalviews

My phone drops more calls than a rapper drops beats.

Hourly Comic Day!!

Pro tip: Never come out of the closet in a knock knock joke.

I just caught a glimpse at the short list for new admits to our program. Unfortunately, none of them seemed like mob aliases.

I figured out Mozilla’s naming strategy: combine an animal with the natural phenomenon it would most fear. Firefox, Thunderbird, Seamonkey..

I’m not an actor, but I play one on tv.