From now on, I’m going to claim I’m a professional fandango musician. Then, if given an instrument, I’ll just make stuff up.

Bite my friend’s dreadlocks #UrgesIMustRepress

My preferred method of execution: firing squad. Because the executor doesn’t know if he is responsible. My variant: bow & arrow.

#philosophy Holy cow! My BFF got fly-outs from all of her interviews!!

I’m a Kantian with OCD, so I have to follow his categorical imperatives in order. … I guess you could call me a Kant Sequentialist.

My alarm clock is Rage Against The Machine’s “Wake Up.” My snooze button is Aerosmith’s “Dream On.”

I want to start a book club podcast where it’s obvious that only one of the people in the panel actually read the book.

Someone should create the twitter name @MarkyMarkTwain. I’d follow it!

I found out my jacket zipper is on the left side. This is not usual for men’s jackets… I’m like the most boring cross-dresser ever.

Wait– Viagra is NOT meant to be used as a suppository??

Guys, do yourselves a favor and watch this:

NYC!

Effective January 2, Delaware will forbid texting while driving. Today is Jan 1. I was just driving by Delaware and thought I’d tweet that.

Pro Tip: When playing Never Have I Ever, it is a bad idea to say “been molested as a child.”

History is hearsay.

Raise your right hand if you’re left-handed. #lefthandedracism

“Ctrl” is about a keyboard whose commands affect space If that happened to me, I bet I’d feel like an idiot for switching to Dvorak.

When I wake up in the morning, I don’t have a pet, so I just talk to my penis: “What are you already doing up?”