Brother’s SMS: “A Gallup pole has Obama at a lower approval than Bush. Ohh how the mighty have fallen.” My response: “It’s spelled ‘poll.’”

Contrary to popular belief, Bruce Willis didn’t kill anyone in Die Hard. On the other hand, John McClane killed a shitload of terrorists.

Rewatching Die Hard for the first time in ten years. I’d forgotten what a badass Snape was.

I want to see a sequel to Groundhog Day where it turns out that he also gets stuck in February 3rd.

Hypothesis: Chuck Norris’ inexplicable popularity is directly tied into the rise of irony-loving hipsters.

Flat out weird day.. Like it was still 2009. Terrifying. Also, I was wrong about N=2. It is still 1. Totally misread the Internet.

They say the first week off the wagon is the hardest.

How to piss off a bartender: order a complicated, layered shot… “and coke.” Pro Tip: Never, ever piss off your bartender.

Pro Tip: If a friend miscarries, it is not a good idea to help her mourn by offering to buy her a drink.

Dear Science Fiction: please eliminate the word ‘de-evolution’ from your all of your stories.

I didn’t mean to follow you into the restroom. It’s just an added bonus.

If I’m a player, then I’ve been red-shirted.

I was at Starbucks at 4 a.m. today because they were offering 50% off lattes… I make terrible life choices.

I waited in line at Best Buy for six hours today. Not because it was Black Friday: they just have terrible service.

My cranberry sauce is too watery. I had to wrap the bowl in Saran wrap three times! I felt like a businessman in Vegas.

I invented a drink called an “Irish Priest.” It’s simple: just Irish Whiskey, a drop of holy water, and a cherry.

Why is it called _Close_ Encounters of the Third Kind? Aren’t all encounters of the third kind close?

Tonight’s showing in my attempt to culture myself is Close Encounters of the Third Kind.