What the hell is the point of decaf espresso? That’s like paying good money for placebo aspirin, non-alcoholic beer, or porous condoms.1 META POST: This post was an experiment. My hypothesis is that the path to lots of stars on…

“Officer, it wasn’t a hit & run– he just didn’t realize we were playing Calvinball.”

I was the Captain of my college’s Calvinball team.

#repressedmemories – That time when my friend Amir tried to set me up with the unattractive girl and tried to make it seem like a favor.

I bet the Highlander has the _Worst_ STDs.

IUPAC has confirmed elements 114(Ununquadium) and 116(Ununhexium). Still unconfirmed: 113(Ununtrium), 115(Ununpentium) and 118 (Unobtanium).

We don’t see many female politicians in sex scandals. Is it because women are more faithful or because there aren’t many female politicians?

Say what you will about Rep. Weiner. But to admit a thing like that… it takes a lot of balls.

Hey, you guys remember “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.” … I don’t know why I just thought of that. I bet Anyhony Weiner knows.

#repressedmemories – that time my brother’s friend said he’d beat me up if I “turned out gay.” I wonder where he is now.. Should I sext him?

Dammit, man– I don’t have time to play WoW with you! I’m working on my Ph.D! That’s the highest level of education you can attain on purpose

I want to write a prequel to a movie where the main character inexplicably dies. It’ll be awesome because no one will see it coming!

Early Edition is about a guy who gets tomorrow’s newspaper today. If that happened to me, I’d be surprised… That newspapers still exist.

I don’t go grocery shopping hungry. At least I don’t start out that way.

If I ever die by myself, I’ll scratch the word ‘ninjas’ on my stomach as a suicide note.

I wonder why they don’t make ramen with light truffle oil.

Anger management is only recommended as a strategy for assertive supervisors and timid employees.

I pissed off the anger management instructor.