Google Scholar is a search engine for academic articles. I think my path to getting tenure will include Google Scholar Bombing my articles.

I want to start a video project for high school bullies called “It Gets Worse… It Gets Sooo Much Worse.”

I’d love it if “Land Before Time” made it on the list of 101 bloodiest movies: But I’m just happy Titanic beat Rambo.

It’s only eugenics if you have a goal in mind.

I have the financial stability of a house of cards.

Pro tip: if you want to cancel your Time Warner Cable service EVENTUALLY, you should start the process now.

When I die, you have my permission to forge my signature and use my credit cards to buy a speedboat.

Someone please explain why people joke about receiving sexy DMs. Preferably in a DM of some sort. 😉

The town in Psych has more murders per capita than it has capita.

I derive endless amusement from the word “sexting.” From actual sexting, though, my amusement usually peaks after four or five minutes.

Conservapedia is to truth as motor oil is to baby formula.

#repressedmemories – first week of college when I woke up to my roommate having sex. If this happened now, I’d do the same back… but solo.

Values clarification expert Sid Simon suggests people make a list of 50 reasons not to kill themselves. 50 is a lot. I think he’s a sadist.

I’m glad they didn’t have Black Cat fireworks back in the days of trench warfare. And if they did, I’m glad I wasn’t born back then.

It’s so funny when I talk to white people. They have so much white guilt. “Hi, my name is Carlos.” “Yeah, but what do _I_ call you?”

Running is supposed to help cure depression. But that can’t be right- just thinking about running makes me sad.

When the Cannucks play, they bring their “eh” game.

She said she studied literature, but from my perspective she could have just said necromancy.