Don’t call me Mr. Myers. That’s my father’s name. You can call me Mr. Myers Jr.

Him: Strike! Me: That was a ball! Him: Oh, and I take it you know a thing or two about balls? Me: Yeah! …Wait: no…Wait: Just two things.

That guy is too fat for the baseball stadium’s fake sumo suits.

We’re at the ballgame. We’re sitting so close, we could hurt the players’ feelings from here.

I want to have a book burning party. My friends have a lot of audiobooks that I want to illegally add to my collection.

The plot of this book is paper-thin… Actually, the plots of most books are paper thin. Except maybe ebooks.

I’ve been waiting at home all day for the UPS guy to deliver me a new, hi-tech way to floss. … I am old. “Sorry I’m late for dinner, I just got new floss and I wanted to try it…

I’m so funny that laughter is not even an appropriate response.

The Sonicare electric toothbrush description on Amazon says: “Sonicare white power toothbrush” I feel like I’m not the target market or race

I’m back from Utah now so I’m done with Mormon jokes. I’m sad because I loved those jokes. I loved them so much I married them. All of them.

I can’t take news teases seriously: “An important thing happened. More at 11.” If it’s really important, why air Head-On commercials first?

“The secret to success in academia is choosing your ignorance.” –Elihu Gerson

Dear airports of the world. Free wifi has stopped being an optional feature. Get with the program.

I just met people that love hugs as much as I do: gay guys from Salt Lake City. It makes me worry that I might secretly be from Utah.

They say that when hiking, an ounce in the morning is a pound in the evening. This is why I always wait until the evening to start packing.

There are dozens of kids sitting outside reading the bible for some reason. I wish just one was reading Harry Potter in a bible dust jacket.

Every morning at the Univ. of Utah, dozens of kids sit outside reading the bible. I don’t know why they don’t just listen to the audiobook.

We all voted over what we would call our session. “Directions for Philosophy of Biology” won out. “Jake the Session” was a distant second.