I’m thankful that I don’t have a middle name only when I’m at the DMV or when chased by the Terminator.

Whoever said sunlight is the best disinfectant had obviously never heard of photosynthesis.

Dear car dealerships: when saying “won’t last long,” please specify whether you mean at the lot or in real life.

If I only had ten minutes left to live, I would call home to tell my parents I love them. “Dad,” I’d say. “…Can you put mom on?”

In Key West – Here’s hoping Tropical Storm Irene is like a Gusher’s commercial.

I’m in Key West and am having all of the Key Lime Pie I can manage. Or, as they call it here, Here Lime Pie.

“It’s okay, you didn’t see any more than you’d see at the beach.” “Yes I did!” “Yeah, well– you need to go to better beaches.”

I wish money were no object. Instead, money is object.

“We have nothing to fear, but fear itself…. because fear is, like, really, really scary.” #oftenmisquoted

The WiFi on this plane is brought to me by Diet Coke. The page they redirect me to is their Facebook page. Has life truly become this lame?

@Mablicia – We’re going to miss you. Seriously. It might be sad. Almost nobody is going: Super Friend Bash might not be a good idea. 🙁

Okay, so maybe insomnia is just my default state now.

The best place to get work done is waiting for service without an appointment at the Apple Genius Bar. Nobody _ever_ bothers you.

Sometimes I like getting SPAM from former friends because it means that they haven’t deleted me from their address book.

I got a couple of hundred $’s of veggies and booze, but I lost a best friend…It’s not a very good deal. I don’t recommend you take it. :'(

Cashier probably thinks that I’m only buying toilet paper because I ran out at an unfortunate time. She’s wrong- I meant to buy it earlier.

What is a high school sweetheart? Does anyone you dated in high school count? Like can you be high school sweethearts with the principal?

Dear Middle School girls- the comeback to any sort of insult is “are you okay? You look bloaty.”