Reverse Irish Carbomb: a shot of Guinness poured into a half-pint of Bailey’s. If you think that’s bad, try a reverse jaegerbomb.

I just got called out to a bar by a strange text message. I came out because it was so demanding. I hope it’s not a wrong number.

Just once I want to see LOL on a tombstone.

Pro Tip: never try to organize all of your friends for anything.

Chipmunks – precursors to autotune.

The lady cutting my hair smells like weed. I don’t know if I should be reassured or scared.

They say you don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave afterward. … but you should probably still tip her for the sex.

This guy has his daughter’s name tattooed on his neck. I hope his next child is quintuplets. #peopleoftacobell

Today I will work into conversation the phrase “molesting a muppet.” I imagine the context will be a strung-out Cookie Monster. Join me!

Sumo wrestlers are foie gras for cannibals.

Whelp– Sleep didn’t happen tonight. We’ll try again tomorrow.

My mother just joined facebook. In related news: I will soon rely exclusively on Twitter.

“But if I lived with roommates, I wouldn’t be able to do my daily morning nude jumping jacks… I’m kidding: they’re evening jumping jacks.”

I declare today #nonsequiturday I don’t mean to brag, but it’s Thursday. A bird in the hand is a worthwhile investment. I meant to get my hair cut today, but I didn’t realize what year it was in the Chinese…

I wonder if time machines spew unsafe radiation.

The cover charge is outrageous in the “27 Club.”

I just looked up ‘smurf’ in the Urban Dictionary and my head smurfsploded.

I used to be a graphic designer. Actually, I was just a lewd designer.