Why do clothing stores at the mall only have sections for women and metrosexuals?

Next week I’m teaching my class about induction. Specifically, I’m not going to show up.

I only play the song “Gloomy Sunday” on Sundays. And “Blue Monday” on Mondays. But I’ll only play “Friday” if I’m having a stroke.

Protest signs are really just bad speech bubbles.

Shorts season was short.

I just bought a 24 Pack of Busch Lite for $9.99. That’s cheaper than soda. Probably less alcohol, too.

A student just turned in her paper. It’s called: “Problem of the Evil paper.” I should just give her an A right now.

In Winter, I order coffee. In summertime, I order iced coffee. When it is Autumn, I order room temperature coffee… It tastes like spit.

Why did so many historical figures publish major works posthumously? I want to publish something posthumously! … No rush, though.

I bet there are commitmentphobic gay guys who secretly vote against gay marriage.

Does everyone else also break into a cold sweat when they see their adviser or is it just me?

*sigh* … do you guys ever miss nostalgia?

I always choose the wrong similes. Today I said, “Cuts through me like a Chilean miner.”

Little-known philosophy fact: Anselm proved the existence of Muhammad Ali.

“You’re pretty good at taking compliments.” “No I’m not!”

I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…… but I’m pretty heavily implying it.

Here’s a fun fact/prank: If you are away from your car and click the unlock button on your keychain fob 257 times, it will no longer work!

New plan for life: find a rockstar academic lady, marry her, have her get a great job, get hired as a bargaining chip.