I hate it when women breastfeed in public. Breastfeeding turns a wonderful sexual object into a demeaning food dispenser

Halloween Costumes: Yesterday I went as Grue. Today I’m going as Bleen.

I thought I was going as grue, but I guess I’m going as change blindness.

What color stitches should i get? Neon? Ultraviolet? Grue? Hit my head. Might need stitches. This will totally take my costume to the next level. Worst part of going to the E.R. Immediately after practice? Wearing an athletic cup for…

I never realized that the Student Union was Clopen. That is , it’s closed if observed before 10 and open if unobserved or observed after 10.

The world that the Onion reports scares me. Specifically, I fear that it’s too close to the world in which we really live.

Netflix keeps asking me back but not offering to change anything. It’s like an abusive husband apologizing while wearing brass knuckles.

People argue on the Internet like children storming Normandy. Philosophers are more like Green Berets bickering over the dishes.

You ever have one of those days where you’re not sure if you’d pass a captcha?

Someone told me porn is 83.5% of Internet traffic. Malarcky! What– is there a G-spot-Mail now?

Ooh, the Internet’s back! Awesome. I use the Internet to check my…….. umm… let’s say e-mail.

A bear is pooping next to a bunny. The bear asks the bunny, “Ever get poop on your fur?” But the bear doesn’t care. He is a bear.

For Halloween, we’re going as Camuel and Sarlos. At least until time t. After that we might be emeralds.

Some guy just crashed into my parked car. Is it wrong that I’m tweeting before calling my insurance or mom?

Sorry I’m late. I hit every stop light and most stop signs.

Certified Kosher would be a bad name for a pork product.

You don’t see many homeless people wearing aeropostale… At least not when they have a choice.

Why does Aeropostale sell clothes that have more of the store’s name than the employee uniforms do?