My hotel room has a terrible view of the outside. My only consolation is that- before I shower- the outside has a terrible view of me.

There were more babies on this flight than in a maternity ward.

Peace treaty – Men will stop having opinions about abortion if women stop having opinions about circumcision. Deal?

I donated money to a library today. I had the option of donating in honor of someone, so I did. LeVar Burton— this one’s for you.

First Law of Robotics: “A Robot may not injure a human OR, through inaction, allow a human to come to harm.” … Is that an Inclusive Or?

My brother is an anachronism. He was born six weeks premature.

Anachronism is someone that’s born in the wrong time, but what are you called when you’re born in the wrong place?

It’s a little known fact that it was raining during the original Fourth of July. Not in Philadelphia, of course, but certainly somewhere.

Whelp, it’s raining. No fireworks today. I think that means 4th of July is canceled. How’s the 5th for everyone?

I get more work done if I’m slightly uncomfortable. That’s why I always wear awkward underwear then sit next to cute girls in coffee shops.

I have some facebook friends where the most salient memory I have of them is when I reluctantly confirmed them as friends.

I’ve gotten to the point where I look people up on Facebook just so that I can block them before they can find me.

“If you do not own a hammock, you have wasted your life.” – Mother Teresa of Calcutta

The university counseling service’s web site is so depressing.

I liked my last status so much, I re-tweeted it.

The first anesthesiologists were really just overzealous bartenders.

They say writers craft their ideal world. That’s probably why all of my stories are about writers who are slightly more productive than me.

@gabethebeaver – What do I do when my brother forwards me a political e-mail that I find inaccurate and offensive?