#repressedmemories – that time in 2005 when that girl led me to her house, room, and bed only to retract in horror when I tried to kiss her.
I need to get out of my head before I go out of my mind.
It’s never too late to drunk text!
I don’t know what the surface tension of alcohol is– but tonight I’m going to find out.
If a girl gave me her phone number in Roman numerals, I would definitely call it…. or try to, at least.
I only ever cut myself shaving just before a first date. Oh, great. Now I have to hope it only goes to second base.
#repressedmemories – When my mom came to visit my brother six times, once when I lived nearby. But she’s never come to visit me by myself.
#repressedmemories – The fact that my parents only ever call to ask about my brother.
Just got an @ from someone I unfollowed saying he was unfollowing me. I refollowed him so that I could unfollow him again.
I was a hipster before it was popular. I’m only still a hipster now to be ironic.
Me:I should gain weight. Her: No Me: I should lose weight? Her: You’re perfect the way you are Me: Should I rapidly gain weight then lose it?
Just saw “Hangover 2.” Or- as it should be called- “Hangover… Again.”
A sudden surge of creativity is the canary in the coal mine of my mind.
#repressedmemories – That time the girl I barely knew showed up to my birthday party with all my best friends… then left after ten minutes
Missouri loves company… or industry.. or residency. Really, they’d love just about anything right about now. But it’s an unrequited love.
Remind me to never again take 5 hour energy after breakfast.
How come the stupid Microsoft Office paperclip never asked if you wanted help turning it off?
I should stop having Irish coffees in the daytime. Have you ever tried to get a woman to go home and siesta with you? (Inspired by @cathyby)