Twitter is now e-mailing us when someone you follow favorites one of your tweets. Actually, this may be months old. It’s just never come up.

I didn’t win, but I came in a close second. Specifically I was close to third place. #yomama

I didn’t fall asleep on the mat- this is just a really intense yoga pose.

“Do you think about other people when you’re with me?” “No, but I think about you when I’m with them… Specifically that you’ll catch us.”

Yet! Happy birthday to me!

I just got really into the soft drink Tab. I just keep ordering refills of it at the local bar. But I pay upfront because I hate puns.

Girls walk by giggling. To shock me, they ask if I have a condom. I say, “I do, but it’s my last one, so we’re going to have to share.”

I have a condom protector. It’s like a pocket protector: they both make it far less likely that you’ll get laid.

My sugar momma makes the best cookies.

Me: “That’s a terrible outfit.” Her: “You obviously don’t watch America’s Next Top Model.” Me: “Why? Because I’m straight?”

I need to make a work out mix. I feel weird doing squat thrusts to the Reading Rainbow theme.

Teaching would be the best job if only there were no students.

Me: Ludacris is just reclaiming the word ‘ho’: he’s not using it to be offensive. Her: Reclaiming it from whom! Me: Feminists, obviously.

“With great privilege comes great responsibility.” – Bourgeois Uncle Ben

This update serves only to inform you all that I am awake– I have been trying to print for two hours– and I hate everyone who is asleep. I take that last tweet back. I don’t hate everyone who is asleep. I…

English accents make the Nature Podcast sound so respectable. Unless, of course, p’s sound like t’s and someone says “Ship Graveyard.”

I just picked up eight of the (very rare) tickets for my friend’s graduation ceremony. Did I say eight? I meant six: I wanna put my feet up.

It would be really sweet if my childhood crush saved all my love letters. It would be less sweet if they were unopened.