I throw a boardgame party, I become obsessed with boardgames. I throw a wine party, I become a wino. I should throw a key party.

I’m a bad Mexican. I forgot what day it was today.

Lesson why to not trust indexicals: before my office hours, I put a note on my door that said ‘back in ten minutes’ and left for the weekend

If I had a super power, I’d forgo flying for the ability to handle awkward situations well.

Too many RSVPs for my White Wine/Red Wine party. I need to alienate more friends or move to a bigger house.

I bet you Cujo’s bark was worse than his bite.

I wanna open up a temporary tattoo parlor. It would be a regular tattoo parlor, I’d just be a terrible business owner.

Holy crap! I’ve unknowingly been speaking prose my entire life! Either that or bad poetry.

This song pisses me off more than people who claim to like the ninja turtles but can’t remember which ones were which.

For Reverse Ramadan, I eat during the day and sleep at night. This is just my normal schedule, but I have a name for it now

Dear old guys in locker room. The order is dry junk, put on underwear, then talk. Not dry hair, dry space between toes, hang out nude, talk.

Bourbon & Boardgames party went well. Could have used more bourbon, though….

I don’t think you’re being a jackass on purpose, which is why it’s so impressive that you pull it off so well.

Shipping is $20, if you can handle that.

I’m the Cyrano de Bergerac of rejection.

I’m not questioning my sexuality. It’s an interrobang.

“of course I would sleep with him! Especially if he was 17.” -Gordon on Brad Pitt time traveling.

Philosophy Beach Camping Trip 2010!! Whoo!! Time to show off my tramp stamp temporary tattoo.