Take my word for it. The word on the street is a swear word.

I need to stop taking things out on myself. It’s too expensive.

I need to buy a key locator device. I wonder if they make them in convenient keychain format.. :-/

That guy is trying to look like me, but he’s a hideous impostor… So, I guess he’s doing a good job.

I have Sesame Street smarts.

I love it when psychoanalysts fail. It gives me such schadenFreud.

‘Ja’ is German for ‘yes.’ It is also German for ‘yeah,’ ‘yup,’ ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘word.’

I made a linear plot that shows that my banging of your mom increases linearly as a function of time. …sorry if that joke was too graphic

I bet B.F. Skinner was emotionally unavailable.

Euro Super Friend Bash begins NOW. 😀

“JK!” She said, apologetically. “I’m Rowling.” I replied, sternly.

My air conditioner blows. It is so cold to me.

Btw, I leave for Europe tomorrow, am tripping on sweet drink and insomnia, and have a major paper due tonight. Twitter updates WILL follow..

Hour 24 of drinking Tab. I’ve made my way through 9 cans of it, slept 3 hours, and not yet peed. Also, I think I’m seeing pixelation irl….

It bothers me that my once new bed has stains on it now. I should stop eating pasta at night… while doing it.

I’m both sleepy and weary. The only other way I could be tired would be if my jokes had been done before.

Soggy biscuit is the kind of game in which you can come in first and yet still not win.

Forget traffic flow. I always drive more carefully when I see a police car nearby. For instance, I peel out in school zones much less often.