If I were on death row, I’d mutter the Konami Code constantly.

Marie Antoinette would have been a terrible personal trainer.

I think it’d be a really funny prank to replace all of someone’s protein powder with Nestle Quik.

My iPhone is broken. AGAIN. iPhones suck. Why would anyone ever get one? Just for that, I’m making AT&T give me a new one.

Body builders like to claim that weakness is in the mind, not the body. But in my case it’s clearly both.

I have a phrase in search of a joke. I’ll RT all attempts to finish it. The phrase is: “sudden onset skin cancer.” … GO!

I told her to take it one step at a time like AA. I don’t know why I brought up American Airlines and am glad she didn’t ask.

Ladies: throwing your man a surprise Father’s Day party is not a good way of telling him you’re pregnant. Trust me on this.

“Did you see the website about fisting and God’s will?” “…I didn’t realize that God left a will.”

Blake Foster has a tattoo across his chest that says “Only God Can Judge Me.” Sadly, God thinks that’s a stupid tattoo, too.

I don’t think they really wanted it. I think they just wanted to get a rise out of me… and they did. 😉

Some girls walk by giggling. One of them asks if I have a condom. I say, “I do, but it’s my last one, so we’re going to have to share it.”

They say you should never raise a fist in anger, which is why I’m glad punching always brings a smile to my face.

A problem with any political system is that it’ll inevitably be about personal relations. It’s all eventually just politics

People are gossiping to me. I don’t know whether to feel glad they’re not talking ABOUT me or worried this is the first time it’s happened.

I’m getting a tattoo of a Chinese character that means palindrome. I just wish I could tell which way was up.

He’s so fat, he got himself a leather jacket and now cows are extinct.

He’s so fat, he alone is responsible for high tide.