When people get lost in the woods, they wander around in circles. My mind is lost in the woods.

Why do all my workouts end with an “I hope I don’t die while doing this” set?

Being social is hard work. And the pay is lousy. Benefits, however? Those are quite good.

Canada wins. I guess I’ll just have to wait longer for revenge for the War of 1812.

I have never used the words ‘scantily’ or ‘clad’ by themselves. I realize this now and it saddens me.

Someone should apply the scantily clad cheerleader holding a car wash sign to bake sales.

Here’s a scary thought: all asteroids are a stone’s throw away.

If I could throw a stone two blocks, I’d live a stone’s throw away from my office.

I’m taking a vacation day off being a vegetarian. It’ll be my first in six years. I hope I won’t have to use my sick days after..

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I need to start doing it to other people.

It’s a bad idea to go to sleep angry. It’s a worse idea to go to sleep dead.

You know what doesn’t help you go to sleep? Thinking about sleep. Also, thinking about that dumb bitch that broke your heart

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But then if you do, it’s hard to tell what the people closest to you are.

Happiness isn’t at the end of a bottle, but maybe forgetting is.

I’m going to have fun if it makes me miserable!

Is there such a thing as men having sympathy menstrual cramps? No? Oh, jeez… I need a doctor.

There’s nothing natural about log.

Bill Maher is back! Time to make up for the anti-vaccination conspiracy talk last year.