I like referencing past jobs and hobbies because nobody can verify them. “I used to be a traffic cop/junkie/kangaroo.”

I’m glad nobody’s ever thought to underline sentences on the first and last pages of articles before. That would be scandalous.

“I slept with your best friend.” “But YOU’RE my best friend. My only other friend is my mother!” “Well.. So then I slept with your two b …

How dare my local burrito place be late to open! They act as if nobody had camped out waiting for them!

Gay Pride parades must really irritate Fundamentalists. Celebrating a deadly sin? Humpff! Might as well have a Gay Lust parade!

I can’t wait until 2010, so we can spend an entire year celebrating the 150th anniversary of the second edition of the Origin of Species.

Do you suppose one could get a cheap car by calling a towing company and paying the towing fee?

Instructions say “Meet down the hill.” but they don’t realize that there are many ways down a hill. Most of them painful.

I was about to go to a party for two hours because they had free subs until I realized that I can afford a sandwich.

How do you become a superhero if you don’t have super powers, training, talents, or any spare time?

Ran away from a guy with a gun yesterday, friend’s car was broken into today.. Durham is going to hell. The handbasket is on layaway.

Okay, I need everyone to RSVP, s’il vous plait.

Lady just told me that the university has a golf club. But that doesn’t seem like nearly enough.

I just got a letter my mom sent Sept 19. Is it bad that I’m disappointed she didn’t write like a pirate?

Immitation is the sincerest form of pretending.

This tweet _Should_ be more normative than it is.

Okay, so I’m the first result when you Google my name. My next life goal is to be the first result when you Google _Scholar_ my name.