It’s like the truth, only falser.

Is it kosher to have a gift exchange for your birthday?

What is the sound of one man high-fiving? “Clap.”

I’m so much wittier if I can repeat a comment in my head for several hours. In other words, I’m funnier on twitter.

“I’m growing Mutton chops.” “… well, that’s a… decision.” “Well… that’s a… comment.”

I’m growing mutton chops. Why? Because I like looking in the mirror and getting a cheap laugh.

If I ever had to smuggle drugs in my butt, I think I’d use a “Ribbed For Her Pleasure” condom.

“We’ll need a lot of things for our Eurotrip. 1: a German/English Dictionary. 2: an Italian/German Dictionary. 3: a duffle bag of condoms.”

Next tweet is courtesy of my friend Daniel.

Even my best friends think I’m a stranger. Of course, some of them think I’m the strangEST.

It is a good idea to ask what children want to be when– but not if– they grow up.

Someone should make a list of products Randy “Macho Man” Savage should not advertise. E.G. Baby powder, tampons, Count Chocula…

I don’t have anything to do today except “Be Awesome” and I already did that.

I didn’t say she had game. I just said she played you.

I give the best bad advice any friend can give. Hey – if you’re going to do it anyway, you might as well do it right.

I’m giving @Jeromio bad advice because that’s what friends are for.

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.”