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I want to write a prequel to a movie where the main character inexplicably dies. It’ll be awesome because no one will see it coming!

Early Edition is about a guy who gets tomorrow’s newspaper today. If that happened to me, I’d be surprised… That newspapers still exist.

I don’t go grocery shopping hungry. At least I don’t start out that way.

If I ever die by myself, I’ll scratch the word ‘ninjas’ on my stomach as a suicide note.

I wonder why they don’t make ramen with light truffle oil.

Anger management is only recommended as a strategy for assertive supervisors and timid employees.

I pissed off the anger management instructor.

Twitter is now e-mailing us when someone you follow favorites one of your tweets. Actually, this may be months old. It’s just never come up.

I didn’t win, but I came in a close second. Specifically I was close to third place. #yomama

I didn’t fall asleep on the mat- this is just a really intense yoga pose.