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The last thousand times I’ve used induction, I have failed miserably. That means that NEXT time I’m bound to succeed!

I guess I just don’t understand this show. Do non-wannabe serial killers like Dexter too?

I have invented the most horrible/greatest sandwich ever! Peanut butter, jelly, beans, and salsa! It’s like D-Day for your colon!

I’m drunk, but nobody is dialing…………….. I’m not sure I’m doing this right.

I’m studying on a Sunday afternoon. In other words, I’m daydrinking.

They say to mix this protein powder with your favorite drink. So I’m making myself an Irish Carbomb.

Eww. That guy would be good looking if he didn’t have a hairlip… I mean mustache.

I’m not a chump that buys Everything. I just told my girl to buy me a drink. “Just put it on my tab,” I said.

I think it would be unfortunate for an ice cream truck to be caught up in a funeral caravan.

Don Reo created Blossom. You might remember him as the creator of hit ’90s shows… Such as Blossom.