Why is there so much drunk twittering?

“Five years ago, did you know where you’d be now?” “Man, five years ago, I didn’t know what GENDER I’d be now.”

It’s not that i’m picky, it’s that the world doesn’t meet my standards.

I realized why I’m so conceited: I have photoshop!

Wait, the pope is Catholic? Since when? I’m surprised that’s not a bigger news story

*Phew!* My to do list is almost finished. All I have left is “Learn French.” … Aww, crud.

Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper: brilliant! Warm Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper: Fug awful.

Wait, do they run the olympic torch back to athens after the olympics? They should. It only makes sense.

‘code three to register one?’ Man, why don’t they call them something awesome, like ‘code ninja to register gorilla’?

I wish i could tweet in pictures, but that would go 950 words over the limit.

I’ve been offered four jobs so far this year: each one better than the last. I wonder how long I have to wait to be offered ‘President.’

Don’t you just love when your aunts are talking to you and you’re completely superfluous to the conversation?

I was offered a job as a technical writer for $17 an hour, but I can’t accept it. I know, I’m beating myself up too.

When I run out of hair gel, I just shave my head. It’s the great circle of life.

It’s almost 1 o’clock, why don’t I have pants on yet? This isn’t an episode of Cops!

Drinking makes the world go round… Wait, stop! Why is the world going round??

1: would you ever hit a lady with a baby? 2: Of course not, I’d hit her with a brick.

Clearing out frwitters that haven’t updated in over a month… Is this YOU??