I once beat myself senseless in shadowboxing.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Can I swear here? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Dear World: I’m beginning to think Mark Twain was a jackass. ALSO: All may have been discovered, I might have to flee the country.

My mom just sent me a friend request on hi5… I think I’m going to go ahead and hang myself now.

So the final Michigan compromise is EXACTLY what they had agreed to two WEEKS ago? Wow. Lame.

Holy friggin’ toot! I’m 25 now!! (Again!)

I put the ‘fist’ in ‘pacifist.’

“How’s the family?” needs to be a better question. Seriously. I’m tired of answering ‘my mom likes soup and my brother plays WoW.’

I’m in Mexico and I have neon lemon hair. Could life be any more perfect?

I’ve been single for too long. My lies are getting terrible.

When i look in the mirror i don’t want to look good. I want to LAUGH.

So, I’m drawing a 11 y.o. girl for a comic. Umm… What do girls wear?

I figured out what I’m doing wrong: I sleep till noon, get tired, have too much caffeine, and stay up till five. I’m a java vampire.

At first, I was a vegetarian for the chickens. Now I do it for the chicks.

I hate movie where you actually FEEL embarrassed for the character. Funny: because that’s basically how you’d describe my autobiography.

Okay, my friends and I have now donated $165 to Myanmar relief via three different charities.

I need help lying to my nielsen diary. What shows are on when thursday night? And when does AC360 come on?

“Hello, this is the wrong number. I mean, Hello.” “Yeah, is this John Grays?” “No, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.” True story.