She blinded me with science: hydrochloric acid.

In Georgia. No Russian tanks yet. Good. Got that, Russia? Wait till i get out of Atlanta to resume bombing activitiez.

I’d die for free speech, but i’d prefer to speak for free life.

I can take a kick to the groin like a man: huddled over gasping for air and weeping slightly.

When i end up in prison, facing imminent torture and death, i want to write my seminal work exploring the human condition: The Fluffy Penguin.

Louisiana just gave me the boot. Remind me to avoid florida.

Wow, i’ve made it to central texas and not died yet… I think that’s a bad omen.

I think I just got engaged via text message … And I wouldn’t put it past either of us to go through with it… Heh, tres magnifique.

If she had asked me this time last year, I would have done it in a heartbeat.

My stupid, stupid cousin: “My cell phone doesn’t know how to spell enough. Look: E-N-U-F-F. It doesn’t even give it as an option!”

Just saw Paris Hilton’s ad and… it was okay, I guess. More than anything, it’s just hilarious that it’s news.

I propose a new term: subacquaintances. That is, people that send you application requests and pokes on facebook.

I am now in a plane. Take THAT aeronautical safety!

loo? os s? s???

Why is it that the teacher’s lecture in any given movie is always directly related to the plot of the movie?

I will trade problems with anyone. ANYONE. Sight unseen. Message me for information

I need a gay friend I can share all of my secrets with. Any applicants? We offer basic medical and are willing to train on the job.

Have you ever shared a secret with the absolute WRONG person? Yeah……….. so it goes