stupid twitter keeps reactivating my facebook without my permission.

I wonder what Shirley Temple orders when she goes into a bar. I bet she gets hammered.

White Russian Corn Pops = Huge Success!

Someone should make a “Best of the Kids in the Hall” episode. I’d watch it. I have six minutes to spare.

I’ve got to sober up, I’m driving to the bar.

As a ratio of time investment to cultural relevance, The Kids in the Hall has got to rank relatively low.

If I were omnipotent, I think it’d be within my power to be omniscient.

I’m going to be sad for the next few days, okay Twitter? It’s not personal, it’s just… well, I can’t say: it’s personal.

There’s a mouse in my house and pain in my brain.

Man, I’ve been waiting for Coming Out day for months! So who wants to Come Out with me? … to the park?

If Socrates was so good, why did he never publish?

You represent Jesus with a t-shaped cross. Can you represent God with an upper case T?

Getting invited to parties is Grood. That is, it’s Great if it happens before midnight, but just Good if it happens after.

The father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild is going to pose for Playgirl. I hope he realizes most of their readers are gay men.

Every five or six years my birthday lands on a Friday. But it never seems to land on a 30th.

Man, I’m 0 for 3 of the Nobel Prizes thus far. There’s only Economics, Literature, and Peace left. Come on Bernanke, Rowling, and Jong-il!

The calendar says “University Holiday,” but I read “Slow buses, shorter library hours, and no burritos.”

No matter how distant your thoughts are, you should never ask if this is as good as it gets while on the toilet.