What do you feed a pet rock? Not paper, surely. What about scissors?

I taught my pet rock how to play dead. Fetch is proving much more difficult.

My pet rock got rabies… I had to put it down.

I don’t like meteor showers, I prefer baths.

“Hey Lady, how do you know your child isn’t an Adult molester??”

You don’t look fat in those pants, but you sure look jolly! 🙂

“It’s okay, it’s not domestic abuse: I’ve never seen this kid before in my life!”?

I’m at the first Duke basketball game of the season and the score is insane to embarrassing.

I need an aspirin. I’m in so much C-Fibers firing.

Chairlift’s “Bruises” is probably my favorite song at the moment. This is tweetworthy because… shut up, that’s why.

I’m a zeroeth wave feminist. That is, a misogynist.

No mail the past three days. I blame the rain for keeping my mailman from his appointed rounds.

They should make candy corn using real cane sugar instead of this very artificial cornsyrup.

What’s the point of a hug where the person still has floating ribs left uncracked?

Does Memory Lane intersect with Sesame Street? I think it does.

Philosophical Zombieland #philosophyhorrormovies

I’m not into role playing, but I can pretend.

I don’t like domestic abuse. I prefer mine imported.