Life’s mysteries- Who gets down on their hands and knees in a public restroom to carve their name onto a toilet seat? And why??

Holy cow, I’m in a world where Wolverine was good, but Transformers 2 was slightly better. Welcome to 16-year-old Nerdtopia.

Please disregard the previous update. Obviously I don’t know how to update from my phone without going over the limi …

I think the solution to whether to continue John and Kate Plus Eight is obvious: parentheses. Change the title to John and (Kate Plus Ei …

I’ve wagered $20 that I’ll read at least two articles everyday for a month. Today I read “a” and “the.” Tomorrow I’m screwed.

No news is good news… unless you’re a newspaper.

I just put myself down as my own emergency contact because if anything happens to me, I want to be the first person to know it.

Okay. Now that I have the plot of my novel, I need a title. And characters. But the title comes first. Any ideas?

My computer’s fans are so loud you’d think it just won the World series.

You know what you never see anymore? Invisibility cloaks.

These directions can’t be right… They say “go to the north pole, then turn east.”

I always check for monsters before driving after I watch a horror movie, but I never give rodents a chance after watching family movies.

Theseus would be a good name for a band. . . . Especially if the lineup kept changing.

I didn’t put on pants until 4 p.m. today. In my defense, though, I honestly thought it was Wednesday.

I always assume every woman is into me and they only talk to me to get me into bed. This makes family reunions very awkward.

People get mad at me for not elaborating on my updates. But I’m okay with that. I guess I’m just a guy who likes to quip it and quit it.

I’m significantly worse on the phone than in any other medium. That’s why I negotiate all my ransoms via text message.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying” is a brilliant expression. But oh, so very false.