Wait, are you even allowed to sign your own death warrants??

Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is “How do I punch my way out of this situation?”

I just gained an hour and damn it, I’m going to use it. But first: Law & Order.

It’s like a good story, only longer.

I’m not narcissistic, it just seems that way because nobody talks about me as much as I do.

Okay, be honest, how awesome was “Harry Mazeton y el Principe Mestizo?”

They say you should brush your teeth left-handed if you want to be ambidextrous. They don’t– it turns out– advise shaving left-handed.

This is in such terrible form. It must be from Plato’s Hell.

I disagree with all who’ve expressed a view on this subject before– including a young me. Luckily, he has changed his position to fit mine

It’s hard to find people who find me half as funny as I find myself. Luckily, it’s easy to find myself.

Feliz Cumpleaños, America. 🙂

You know what’s gross? 144.

How this hour started: ‘I don’t know if you like this movie I love and everybody else hates, but Here, let me put it on for you.’

Don’t make fun of me! I suffer from a rare affliction that affects one in six billion people. I’m surprised you hadn’t heard of it.

The correct answer to “Did you sleep well?” is not “I don’t know, I wasn’t there.”

Wow, mocking my vegetarianism. Like I haven’t heard that before. That’s as obvious a joke as making fun of your weight.

My little cousin’s dog just had a litter and she won’t stop playing with them. But there’s no need to worry— it’s just puppy love.

So the King of Pop has died. Who was next up for the throne? Prince?