“People made fun of her because she was poor, which I thought was just in poor taste.”

My laptop is overheating because it’s powering an external fan designed to cool overheating laptops.

When somebody warns you that they have gained significant amounts of weight, I don’t know what the right response is, but “HOW??” isn’t it.

I’m trying to start a fire, but the wind keeps blowing it out. Oxygen is bullshit. Does anyone have any phlogiston?

My friend got mad at me for not eating before I donated blood today. But in my defense, 4 p.m. is really early for breakfast.

Do you think there were calories in that blood I just gave? Like, A Lot? Because I’m planning on binging on burritos and booze tonight.

Man, that show started off halfway over the shark!

I need to work out more of my ontology- it’s not robust enough.

Him: “I’m pretty sure they canceled To Catch a Predator.” Me: “I bet YOU’RE relieved!” Ha! I burned my dad good on that one!

High schoolers are on campus. It’s either the Talent Identification Program or To Catch a Predator is preparing for Sweeps.

They tell you not to drink alcoholic beverages after you give blood, but they don’t tell you how much more effective it is afterward.

Red cross question: “Have you ever had an accidental needle stick.” Does the one you just gave me to test my iron count?

I’m O+ and today I got talked into giving two units of red blood cells. I feel like such a diphthong.

Whenever I’m driving and I see people cross the street warily, I pretend I’m a car in Frogger and continue at a steady speed.

I was told today that you burn 40% of your calories by thinking… which makes me think I should stop watching the View.

I’ve solved the social security problem. It involves mandatory euthanasia, though. Is that okay?

Life lesson – there is no such thing as being “so obviously pregnant.”

I have so many widgets on my dashboard that let me quickly and easily do so many things! Now, if only I could load it in less than an hour.